Solitare
by frenchiecangal
Summary: After the death of a loved one, Hitomi angsts upon Van, and ultimately ends up in Fanelia with aforementioned person... Part 1 of 3 up! RR appreciated!


  
  
**Disclaimer**: I do not, nor shall I, own the series Escaflowne. I, myself, am just an exteremely poor fangirl who has nothing better to do than sit at the computer and write.   
  
Before I start... I based this fic on the anime series, rather than the movie or the graphic novels. I guess you can tell, because Amano-sempai is not in the movie, and I do not have a firm grasp of what happens in the manga, due to my lack of money, which rules out that option. But, going back to the story itself, takes place a few years after Hitomi left Gaea, blah blah blah... It's just like a ton of fanfics where Hitomi goes back to Gaea, and such and such. I'd also like to consider the information below about Japanese culture correct (see bottom for more), but if anything's wrong... Oh well. Just tell me if I'm wrong. Credit- and lots of it- goes to Rui for beta-ing this fic. And now... I shall start.   
  


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_So... Now he's gone. He's not around anymore. Never to be here- near me- again. I knew that there was something wrong when Yukari called me in a panic, her voice high and frantic. She's never that urgent, always calm, serene. Her tone of voice, however, scared me beyond belief at that very moment. And that was before I found out what had happened. When I did find out, it was like losing my own. Never mind the fact that I've never lost my own before. Sure, I have lost him, but not like this. And how she must feel... It must feel like the pain I felt after coming home after those long days. Sure, I would smile, tell everyone it was nothing, but I missed him so. And now... The same numbing, dull pain is back, even after all these long years.   
  
Perhaps it is a reminder. He looked so much like the one I felt so passionate for once. Or at least the one I thought I felt passion for. One never knows anything easily at that age, do they? But, then again, no one knows how they feel at any age? After all... Even after these years of maturity, I still do not know myself. I would've expected myself to at least keep calm after finding out about the death of my once dear Amano-sempai. I surprised myself, as I never expected to react so strongly to finding out something of that magnitude. Not only did hearing about it surprise me, and catch me off guard, but the reaction I had. Maybe I still have feelings somewhere for him, inside, wanting to emerge, or maybe it's the past feelings I had. Or maybe he was just an old friend. However, the idea I've toyed with lately, the one I like the most is that he was a constant reminder. They had the same looks, height, voice, and they would have reacted the same way in situations. And thinking of Allen always makes me smile, because as I remember him, Van fills my mind quickly.   
  
Despite the impending night ahead of me, where I can expect to cry and console everyone, I feel a grin form upon my face. Despite his face being just an old memory, it is one I could place away in a box, just like every girlish fantasy I've had about growing up and marrying, as well as becoming a desired bride. I hate saying it that harshly, but his memory has faded. I met him before being thrusted into a whole new world, where dreams aren't met as easily as they seemed when you grow older. I can easily say, however, that he will always remain the one in my heart. Passion of that size cannot be replaced. Not easily._   
  
Hitomi glanced up, looking at the clock. After seeing the time, she sighed, shutting the book in front of her. Sitting up, she threw her journal across the room, and yawned deeply. She then wiped away the tears on her cheek and got off of her bed, pulling off her pants as she walked to the bathroom. She threw them in the hamper when she reached the bathroom, then pulled off her top after shutting the door. A flick of the wrist turned on her shower, and she hurriedly pulled off the rest of her clothes before jumping into the ice-cold water.   
  
"Aaahh! Too cold..." She shrieked as she stood still, shivering until the water reached its desired temperature. She then quickly reached for the bottle of shampoo near her feet, and paused as she noticed the almost invisible scar running down her knee. She smiled, remembering the scar's origin, and brushed her fingers lightly against the old battle wound, almost as if wanting the pain to come back. Then, she slowly lifted her fingers, and shook her head furiously. "It's just a scar... It doesn't mean anything. Touching it isn't going to make you go back to Gaea!" She chuckled for a moment. "Besides, why would I want to go back now, especially when I'm dressed like this?" She then grabbed the forgotten bottle, and poured the white mixture into her palm.   
  
"I'm such an idiot... I'm talking to myself in the shower! I really need to stop doing this..." She cried as she scrubbed her cheeks with soap, hoping to remove any mark of tears. She paused after a moment, and sighed before lifting her head, letting the water fall onto her face, its heat sinking into her. Shutting her eyes tight, she struggled to keep her tears from coming out, until she lost to her emotions, and they came out in gargle of noise. She knelt over, clasping her arms around her knees as the water continued to pour down, just as her tears fell. She remained in that position for a few more minutes, as she let her tears calm down. She stood slowly, not wanting to hurt herself.   
  
"I'm so tired... I need a nap." She stepped slowly as she reached out, turning off the shower. She grabbing her towel quickly, and looked over at her tub with longing in her eyes. "I can't... I need a nap. I'd fall asleep if I went in." She grabbed another towel, and tripped her head upside down, and twisted her honey, shoulder-length hair in the towel. Leaving her hair in the twist, she opened her door and walked out of the bathroom slowly, holding onto whatever table she walked past. When she reached her bedroom, she smiled, and walked to her bed quickly before flopping face down onto her bed. Turning her head, she smiled gently as her hands reached up for her pillow.   
  
"I need just a moment... Just for my sake..." She murmured as she shut her eyes, letting everything float away from her. She gave a small smile before letting her world go black, and fell asleep, almost wanting to let her short nap turn into a dreamless night that would cause her to miss the impending funeral. However, the last thing she expect was for her phone to ring right after she willingly passed out.   
  
"Juuuuuust when sleep looked so good..." She muttered before sitting up on her knees, and reaching for her phone on the nightstand next to her bed. After answering the phone, she rolled her eyes, then got up off her bed completely. As she ran around her room, grabbing random clothes and throwing them onto her bed, she entertained her mother on the phone.   
  
"Yes, I understand. Yes, Mom, I won't forget to stop home after I get back from the wake..." She sighed as she opened her closet door, looking for anything she had that she could wear. When she found the only outfit in her closet that she could possible wear to a funeral, she grabbed it, and threw it onto her bed as she shut the door. "Yes, I have enough money for the wake. I will remember it, don't worry... Yes, I have the right envelope!" She ran over to her bed, and hurriedly began to change one-handed. "Mom, I gotta go soon. I promised Yukari that I would be there earlier, and her brother is going to pick me up soon. I'll talk to you tonight." She hung up the phone after she reassured her mother about the wake, and threw it on the dresser before pulling on her skirt. "Now I need to find the money I told Mom I had..."   
  
As she pulled her shirt on, she dashed out of her room, running onto her kitchen, looking frantically for the money she said she had. "Where the hell is that money?! I made sure that I had it perfect last night..." As she retraced her steps of the night before, she tucked her shirt in, and rebuttoned her top. Finally, when the money was found, she put the envelope between her lips, and walked into her bedroom, and grabbed her coat. She put the coat on, then tucked the envelope into her pocket before running back into her room and grabbing the phone again. Before she left, she glanced around for a single moment, then threw the phone back onto her bed. Grabbing her towel, she threw it into the hamper, and pulled up random pieces of clothes, throwing them in with the towel. Satisfied with her work, she smiled and walked out of her room.   
  
When she reached her kitchen, she put the phone back into it's cradle, and stared at the clock for a moment before sighing. "Now what do I do? I don't need to leave for another half an hour." She sighed again, then opened her refrigerator, only to close it just as quickly as she opened it. Slowly wandering around her apartment, she paused behind her couch, and sank to her knees, head falling forward against the back of the couch. She stared at the ground, letting her eyes fill with water, but refused to let them drop.   
  
"Amano-sempai... It hurts. I can't help it." She sobbed quietly. "I wish that I could say something intelligent... But it hurts! You were just my friend... Just..." Letting out the last word, she sobbed deeply, and her hands fell down the couch, and she pulled them close to her face. "It hurts so much... I can't do this. Someone... please." Wiping her eyes, she stared at her ceiling with an incredibly hurt look on her face. "Please... Van... You've never heard me before. Please... just hear this one cry. Please. I need you. I can't... I can't..." Chin falling to her chest, she gave one last sob before continuing. "Van... Please!" Then, before crumpling to a ball on the floor, let one solitary teardrop fall onto the floor. Shutting her eyes tightly, she missed the growing light that was surrounding her, and how it seemed to swallow her whole.   
  


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"Van-sama... You look exhausted. May I suggest finishing this meeting tomorrow, when we- especially you- have a night to sleep." The king of Fanelia stared at his advisor for a moment before answering, sighing loudly before letting his voice be heard.   
  
"I guess..." He stood up, letting his presence fill the room. The men around him also stood, bowing to him, and he turned and left the room shortly after. He shut the door behind him softly, and leaned against the wall. He took another deep breath, then realized that his advisors inside were discussing him, their voices low and urgent.   
  
"There's been too much pressure on him lately!"   
  
"That cannot be helped! We need to finish the construction of the villages! When Zaibach destroyed the country, the townspeople fled away, convinced that Fanelia would never rise again. Now we have the chance to prove to the world that, yes, Fanelia will, once again, become the country it was before... And possibly stronger!"   
  
"Yes, but by doing this, Van-sama is suffering! Can't you see his eyes? They're so tired... Like there is nothing left to live for. Let him get a night off. He needs the sleep more than anything." Van sighed, then left, not bothering to hear anymore of the conversation.   
  
"They are right... I need a night. I haven't gotten any sleep in so long..." He muttered as he walked down the hall. Keeping his eyes straight, he didn't bother watching what lurked down the halls, or in the hallways of adjoining halls. When he finally reached his bedroom, he gave a huge yawn before opening the door to his massive bedroom. Slamming the door shut, he missed the curious creature behind him, her bright blue eyes filled with concern.   
  
"Van-sama needs to sleep... But if he keeps muttering about Hitomi all night, he's not going to keep any sleep!... Oh well. Might as well go to bed." She then turned away after taking one last lingering look at the closed door. "Good night... Van-sama."   
  
Inside the room, Van was currently removing all traces of royalty from his clothes, then striped down to a simple pair of pants and a shirt with an ease, not bothering to look into the magnificent mirror in his room. When he finished, he turned, wanting to throw the clothes on a random chair, but paused when he saw his reflection.   
  
"Not awkward anymore, am I?" He said after he let out an almost harsh laugh. But he was right. His arms were muscular, resulting from the long battles he had fought years ago, and the training he had gone through to keep himself in what he considered a 'prime form', in case of another sudden attack. He grew taller, and he now dominated every room he walked into, as he towered over almost everyone in the room, with his muscles reminding everyone that he was not a force to be reckoned with. His hair had grown out longer, and had grown shaggier than before. But, despite his masculine features, people still saw him as the little boy who had jumped off a roof when he was little in an attempt to prove that he was stronger than his age showed. He sighed in the memory of the first time he had flourished his wings, and ran his fingers through his messy hair.   
  
"I wonder what Hitomi would say... I haven't seen her in ages. Wonder how beautiful she's gotten..." A lovely smile crossed his face as he recalled Hitomi's face, and he leaned against the mirror, its strength supporting him easily. His eyes softened as he recalled how her eyes would sparkle when she heard something, and how her face would fall when something had attacked the heart of the group the two had traveled with. He traced out the curve of her nose mentally, and drew her smile on with great care. Her face gave him something to smile for, and he took great pleasure in how her memory never failed to give him the slightest boost in energy.   
  
"You saved me then, and you still save me now. The only difference is that it isn't a matter of life or death now, and you're not around anymore..." He paused as he crossed to the other side of the room, stopping when he reached the table near his giant bed. "I wish you were here with me now," he confessed as he reached for the red pendant, holding it tight in his hand. He held the pendant up as he sat on his bed, holding it in front of his eyes. He smiled as he watched the charm swing. "I've always wondered... Why did you have this? And what does this thing have that gave us the advantage over Zaibach." He shook his head quickly. "Well... Whatever special powers it has, it certainly came in handy. But... Will those powers ever..." He shook his head gently, then laid down on his bed, holding the arm with the necklace up.   
  
"It would be nice to even talk to you Hitomi... It's been so long. As much as it would hurt... I would sacrifice anything for just five minutes. Even if it was a simple conversation... I just need to see you." He sighed, then his arm fell to the bed slowly, and the necklace remained curled in his palm. He shut his eyes and leaning his head back, completely missing the faint light inside his palm. As the light started to glow, he slowly opened his eyes, realizing what the light could mean.   
  
"Hitomi!"   
  


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"... Van? Where... What's going on?" Hitomi glanced around her living room, her eyes flying over each object of furniture, trying the find the one voice she never dreamed she'd hear again. "Van, if it's you, say something!" She listened intently, looking around the room, trying to find where the voice came from. Not hearing his voice again, she sighed, thinking it was only a fluke, when the light from below her sudden began to shine even brighter, and Hitomi was bathed in white. She gasped, and her head shot around as she cried out, her voice filled with confusion. She was about to cry out again when she realized that she could hear Van again.   
  
"Van... Is that... Van?!" She threw her head around again, her hair flying around, frantically searching for him when she heard his voice. She smiled, the tears returning to her face, and she yelled out again. His answer came out much more clear than when he had called out her name, and she smiled, her arms reaching out as she realized that he was suddenly becoming more visible. She finally smiled when she saw his face, and her tears fell faster as she began to giggle, her arms seeking him. Finally, as she became more and more solid, she cried out for him one last time and fell into his arms, where she began to sob uncontrollably into his chest.   
  
"Van... I missed you... Van..." Van looked at the ceiling in amazement as he listened to the sobbing girl in his arms, and smiled.   
  
"Shh... Shh..." she heard from him, in his failed attempts to calm her down. "It's ok... Don't cry, please..." Hitomi sniffled, remembering how he had never seen her cry, and tried to pull herself together. She pulled back slightly, and stared into his face, tears still rolling down her face.   
  
"You got older," She managed to say through her tears. Van laughed at her.   
  
"It's been years... I'm guessing it's been the same for you." She nodded, and he ran his fingers gently through her hair. She smiled through her tears, and leaned into him, almost surprised at how muscular he had gotten in the few years apart. "You've grown up, Hitomi." She smiled, and tried, once again to control her tears, but failed miserably.   
  
"It's been so long..." He laughed, and pulled her in again. She sniffled, and tears streamed down her cheeks once again.   
  
"Why were you crying? You were so upset about something..." Hitomi sighed.   
  
"I... Don't want to talk about it..." Hitomi said. Van nodded, and stared at Hitomi for a moment.   
  
"It's been so long..."   
  
"Too long..." Hitomi answered. She then turned to him quickly after looking around the room. "Where am I?" She sniffled.   
  
"Fanelia. Since you left, we were able to rebuild the country." Hitomi's eyes lit up, and she pressed Van for more on what had happened since she left Gaea. Hitomi kept quiet, letting Van talk, allowing his voice to help calm her down. She smiled while listening, remembering the name of people she had met, and places she had traveled to in a frantic hurry to get away from Zaibach. When she heard the familiar names of the people she grew to love, her eyes lit up, her smile growing brighter.   
  
"How's Millerna doing with ruling a country? You haven't mentioned that yet." Van smiled at Hitomi, and he moved back from where he was sitting before answering.   
  
"She's been doing really well lately. She's been trying to make Asturia a much stronger country, since all the countries seemed to lose so much in the war against Zaibach. She's been doing really well."   
  
"Is she still unmarried?" Van smiled.   
  
"I actually don't know. I haven't heard from Millerna or Dryden in the longest time, and last I knew, Millerna was keeping her mouth shut." Hitomi smiled.   
  
"Millerna's become much more sneaky." Van laughed at her remark.   
  
"She's a really strong queen, despite her probable unmarried state. She has the best of the best for advisors, and she just appointed Allen as her closest advisor. Of course, he had always been her closest advisor, but now the title is official."   
  
"That's good for Allen. He's done so much..." Hitomi trailed off, remembering Allen's face, words, but mostly the kindness and passion he held for her. "He deserves it," she murmured, her eyes falling to the blanket upon the bed.   
  
Van stared at Hitomi for a moment, watching her intently. Finally, he spoke to her gently, causing her to jump. "How are you doing?"   
  
"I have a normal life, I guess. Nothing really big has happened to me, I guess..." She paused, wondering if she needed to go through every detail of her life. She hadn't wanted to mention the pain she went through after she came home from Gaea right after seeing Van again- as unbelievable as it was. She hated how each of her friends were getting ready to live their lives filled with happiness, while she had willingly gave up what she had, and the other girls found what they wanted- the same girls who frantically quizzes Hitomi on why she had suddenly given up on Amano-sempai and she why daydreamed more than usual. Hitomi hated knowing that she might never see what girlish desires called Van, "her true love." Despite the inevitable sadness that came from a simple conversation, Amano-sampai was always a wave of relief. Despite his confusion, and the excuses Hitomi always made to avoid talking about Gaea, and her adventures there, he was always there, reminding her of what happened.   
  
"But... It's not the same anymore... It never has been..." She muttered under her breath, wanting to regain all composure.   
  
"Hitomi..." Van said as he stroked the top of Hitomi's head.   
  
"Van..." She looked up at Van, staring deep in his eyes. She sniffled, then reached out for Van, who wrapped his arms around her in return. "I missed you so much... I wish I could stay... So much..."   
  
"I do too..." He replied as his fingers gently combed through her hair.   
  
"I wish I could... I just..." She buried her head in his shoulder, and pulled him closer, her tears sliding down her cheeks. Van whispered into her ear gentle words to calm her down, and Hitomi shut her eyes, relaxing by the moment as his voice filled her ears.   
  
"If you can't stay forever..." Van said slowly after Hitomi calmed down, "Could you at least stay for tonight?" Hitomi looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. Van's finger brushed away her tears as he stared at her, looking deep into her eyes. "Please... Just for tonight?"   
  


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All right... Like I said before, I'd like to consider the ritual for a Japanese funeral correct. From what I learned doing research on the Internet, here's what I know:   
  
Funerals are mostly based on Buddhist rituals. Before the funeral, people come to pay their resects to the deceased and their family at the wake. The people at the wake wear black, same as us, but they either wear a kimono or Western clothes (like we do). Anyone who goes to the wake brings money (20,000 Yen) for the family in a special envelope (this is called _koden_).   
  
There is more information, but it's irrelevant. If you would like to learn anything else, email me.   
  
Anyways... Any comments or such? I'll try to have another chapter up soon, but school activities are playing the biggest role in my life now. But, I'll do what I can... And thank you for reading!   
  
~~ Frenchie   
  



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